it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
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