I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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