wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
