I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So much rum. So many feels.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
