I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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