my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
