Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
