i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
