I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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