we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
