my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
