woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
