woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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