So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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