I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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