More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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