Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
