Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
