That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize