There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize