I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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