His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize