She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
