Have you finally orgasmed yet?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
