RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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