Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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