i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
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