you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
