I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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