she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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