you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize