we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
