i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
