I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
