That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
