Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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