Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
