I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
