I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
