it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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