I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
