I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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