please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize