Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
