She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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