I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
