A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize