I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I skipped work to stalk him.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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