I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
