she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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