Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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