I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
