my mouth tastes like poor choices
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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