Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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