True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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