the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
